It was another bad night for mom. It's so hard to have patience when she wants to get up at 11:45, 12:30, 1:15; 2:30 and 5:40. Give me a break, I want to sleep, I deal with her all day, I need my peace at night. So far we have been lucky, but this is twice now in 2 weeks. I hope this is not going to be a pattern. If it happens again I will need to call and talk to the doctor.

I look at my mom and realize time is short, part of me wants my life back so bad and the other part isn't ready to let go just yet. I hate to see my mom like this, this is not the woman I know, the woman who I grew up with. This woman I have living in my house is frail, weak and sad. The rain has made things worse, she gets depressed, she cries alot. I find myself watching her when she sleeps to make sure she is breathing. I am afraid I will look over one day and she will have stopped breathing without me know it. So many conflicting emotions, I am tired, not just physically, but mentally.

Time

Is it finally time to say goodbye? Is it time to place my mother in a care facility? How much is too much? Over seven years, have we finally reached our peak? Do I call the doctor to make the arrangements or do I take a step back and realize these emotions are simply stress?

I take a step back and realize that no matter how bad it becomes, and it does get bad on occassion I couldn't live with myself if I placed my mom somewhere. I would be an emotional wreck.Life is hard enough, but with all the crap I put up with seeing my mom smile in the morning makes it ok to start another day.

What is Normal?

I would put you in a home if I could right now. That is what I said to my mother last night after her yammering for more than an hour and having my husband tell me that this is not the life he wanted to live.

Did I mean it? When I said it I will admit I did, or at least part of me did. I get so tired of everyone wanting something and nobody getting anything. I want my life back, I want to have fun without having to worry that I need to get home to give my mom her medication because no one else can do it. I know I sound selfish, but come on, it’s been 7 years.

When will it be my turn? And what will I think about when my turn finally comes?

Life in the fast lane

Ok this last week and half has been tough. Our beloved pet Bug was put to sleep last Tuesday do to a genetic defect that had surfaced and caused major destruction. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Surprisingly enough or should I say strangely, my mother has not mentioned the lack of seeing Bug. Normally when the dogs go into the front she makes sure when they come in she knows exactly where they are. But since we took Bug to the hospital she hasn't made any comments.

We decided that maybe another puppy would keep her distracted, but I don't think we really required that. But another puppy is what we have. So I am not only taking care of an Aunt who has had another episode, but my mother and a puppy. Life just goes on. To make matters worse we have all been sick with some virus. Is there and island just waiting for me? Calgon take me a way!!

I’m 43 years old and I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I am tired of my life and there are days that running away sounds so good. You see I care full time for my mom. She had a stroke in October of 2001 and she is paralyzed on her right side and doesn’t speak. That’s not a 100% true, she can say yes and no when she wants or gets mad enough. My mother was only 56 when she had her stroke.

We had just moved to Sacramento that January and my mom had just bought her house that June. She was so excited to have her housed paid for and could now enjoy life. But, that was not what was going to happen. Someone in the grand scheme of things asked how many lives can be messed up with this one action. Can we say many? I never expected to be caring for my mother at 35, yet alone 7 years later.

My husband jokes that I get to stay home, what woman or man for that matter wouldn’t like to have that opportunity? Me, can I say me? I don’t want to stay home, I want a life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but sometimes I can’t see the tree’s for the forest. It weighs down on me without letting up. I would love to find others like myself who are younger and caring for a parent, but most people are caring for “elderly” parents who are still mobile. There is a big difference in taking care of someone who can speak, walk and do something’s for themselves. We don’t take family vacations because my mom is very limited to what she can do and how long she can be in the car or her wheelchair. Since she has lost so much weight her ability to sit for any length of time is limited so this also dictates what we can do for even short little excursions.